Be Not Afraid

Recently I listened to an interview with Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychologist and researcher about iGen and its use of social media. This is a topic I am very tuned into, since we are parents to the first generation of children who have iPhones. We are the guinea pigs. One detail in her research that stood out to me that I can’t stop thinking about it is how much iGen prioritizes safety.

I guess it is because I rarely thought about safety growing up. 

While I would guess that is because I had a secure family, the statistics Dr. Twenge is referencing are also from children who have not only a secure family, but by and large, have parents who opted to have two children to ensure they could invest heavily in them, who are living with their children longer and financing their lives for longer as well. This seems like it would make people feel more secure, not less. So why the increase in concern for safety, or more specifically, why is there so much fear?

According to her, this fear is stunting them. They don’t go on dates, get jobs, get their driver’s license until much later, and have far less face to face interaction with friends. All of these are the hallmarks of independence in previous generations. Her research made me picture caterpillars who don’t want to leave the cocoon, and don’t want to spread their wings. 

When I chatted with my husband about how our kids are affected, he stopped. “Do you know what the ad said that Ernest Shackleton posted to get a crew for the Endurance?” He’s always been fascinated by Shackleton and his Antarctic expedition that lasted from 1914-1917. “Google it,” he said. So I did and found this:

“The line of men answering this ad was around the block,” he added.

This comparison of previous generations reveals the changing cultural tides.

Dr. Twenge highlights in past generations, having larger families meant that parents couldn’t hover or be as protective. She cites her own mother’s upbringing as one of eight kids in a dairy farm in Missouri, and how the load her grandparents carried meant they couldn’t possibly be overprotective, and the children all gained independence very early.

This resonated with me as one of eight children, and as a mother of six. As humans, our psyches are hard-wired that there is safety in numbers. Perhaps the reason why I never felt afraid growing up because I had such a big family, and conversely why iGen feels afraid is that their tribes are much smaller, and less connected? Having a lot of siblings certainly helps to instill a sense of community. It also encourages responsibility and erodes narcissism, which are without a doubt the biggest problems in iGen according to Dr. Twenge. Hence the title of her most recent book: iGen: Why Today’s Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy–and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood–and What That Means for the Rest of Us.

These large family sizes are counter-cultural, largely because of the fear around having children. This is always surprising to me, given the level of joy, wonder, fulfillment and connection the experience of being in a big family has given us. Yes there are sacrifices but the benefits so completely outweigh the costs that I wonder why people are so afraid. Big families encourage not only independence but teamwork, self-sacrifice and strong interpersonal skills. Does the fact that my oldest son loves to cuddle and play with his little brothers before he heads out the door to high school bode well for him and society? I think it does. My kids might not play on travel teams or be assured of unlimited educational funding, but if all this investment in kids isn’t making them feel secure, what is the point? Conversely, kids that have to be independent early really have no other option than to work hard (and well) to get what they want. While my kids are far from perfect, at most parent teacher conferences they stand out as conscientious and empathetic, and the teachers always make comments that being from a big family makes them very good at group work. Which is what Dr. Twenge’s research shows is lacking in iGen. I often wonder why the fears are highlighted and the many positives are not counted with having more children, especially when these positives are just what our culture is missing.

It is not a surprise that her research shows that faith in God has gone down in iGen. I think it is interesting that as belief in religion goes down, fear and anxiety go up. They are inversely correlated. We often cite Marx’s injunction that religion is the opiate of the masses, and it implies that believers are numbing their independence with being a blind slave to the authority of a church or God. But where is the increase in independence for iGen that don’t believe? The research seems to show it is frozen by fear. This doesn’t sound like Nietzsche’s will to power uberman or the triumph of the will that the post-modern philosophers were convinced would be the result of embracing our own will as the ultimate authority. It seems that while people consciously refuse to acknowledge that they are subject to a higher authority, or any limits at all to personal freedom, they subconsciously know that they are human and have limits and are only as strong as their family, finances, or social supports. Often, they make whichever one of these is their main source of support their god.

Conversely, for most Catholics like myself who derive security from their faith in God’s love for them, there is no question faith helps crowd out fear. The Bible quotes the phrase ‘do not be afraid’ over 300 times. And Saint John Paul the Great is famous for his impassioned plea to young people be not afraid. As a recent article about him wrote, John Paul’s joy and courage never wavered because he was not their source — Christ was.

We live in a pluralistic society, and not everyone is going to hold these beliefs. But even the Talmudic tradition warns against the epic belief in individualism iGen has inherited. In the Ethics of Fathers, the teacher Hillel concisely contradicts the expressive individualism that has replaced religion for many with the following idea: “Do not separate yourself from the community, and do not trust in yourself until the day of your death.” In warning against cutting off one’s community he reminds us as Aristotle did that we are social beings, and often not our own best guides. 

I think my lack of fear is due to my family and my faith, but it is also largely a reflection of the level of fear in society as a whole when I was growing up. Even though the threat of nuclear war loomed and we had enemies and economic instability waiting in the wings, our belief that our fellow man would be with us, and not against us, held firm. That can’t be said of iGen. The fear and mistrust of our fellow humans, of being publicly shamed, canceled, or isolated if they do not fall in line with whatever attitude is trending might have made me afraid too if I grew up at this time. We need each other. But we can’t see that if we have a screen between authentic connection and that screen feeds us with a steady diet of fear and disdain for people who don’t think like us.

As a joyful mother of several members of iGen, I hope young people remember this: don’t let fear win. Let hope and faith in yourself and others guide you. And if you can open yourself up to hope and faith in a God who loves you, then the sky is the limit for living without fear. As JPII said,

“Do not be satisfied with mediocrity. … Do not be afraid to be holy! Have the courage and humility to present yourselves to the world determined to be holy, since full, true freedom is born from holiness. This aspiration will help you discover genuine love, untainted by selfish and alienating permissiveness.”

Then you may find that a life of adventure and purpose is where true joy is found. Just ask the men of the Endurance.