Thoughts on Mother’s Day

I just left the Kindergartener’s Mother’s Day tea with my 6 year-old son and it was as adorable as it sounds. I got to thinking a lot about being a mom on the way home and I mostly thought about what a gift my kids are to me. I am keenly aware of the relationships around me that can’t celebrate all the good that this bond should be, either through death, or brokenness, or distance. But it is also my best friend’s first Mother’s Day with her 7 month-old daughter, and I know the road that led to her and it’s paved with heartache and hope and the power of love, just like all the best stories. When I think about her experiencing such a powerful relationship for the first time, I think about what it has taught me over the last 13 years. Here’s the highlight reel.

Learn to forgive yourself.  You will always fall a little or a lot short of showing them the love you want them to know. This is because it’s really, really hard to take care of a human being while you already have to take care of yourself. You will regularly have to choose between going to the bathroom or changing a diaper, feeding your growling stomache or the starving beast having a meltdown, dealing with your own fever/stomach flu/worry/hormone swings or any other discomfort a human can feel and helping them with theirs. This is the trickiest business of motherhood. And it makes us short-tempered and crabby at times. Also, you aren’t perfect and you never will be, so there is a lot of room for self-doubt and uncertainty to creep in. Every time it does, ask yourself, ‘Are you doing the best you can?’ and  ‘Do they know they are deeply loved?’. If the answer to those two questions is yes, you are succeeding. Remind yourself of this often.

Hold them closely and loosely at the same time. You want to squeeze them and breath in their smell after a bath, and kiss the sweet baby cheeks when they fall asleep on your shoulder. But motherhood is at its essence being one with another person and then losing them, little by little, every moment since birth. Every step of independence is leading to them leaving you, and you have to both mourn each loss while cheering them on with every ounce of your being. It’s not for the faint of heart.

You shouldn’t be their whole world and they shouldn’t be yours.  It’s tempting! I know. And there are times when they are. But every time you go out to book club or take a job or a class or go for a run, you are actually expanding their world because you will come back filled up, refreshed, or wiser. The stronger you are and the more you invest in yourself, the stronger their mother will be. All women lose themselves in motherhood at times. You get capsized by newborns and different ages and stages. But after a while, you have to find your newer, wiser, changed self again, and doing this is hard work. It’s easier not to. But your kids will be immensely better off if you do. And keep your marriage a priority, as much as it’s in your control. Showing your husband and your kids that your relationship with your husband comes first gives the family so much stability.

Keep the end in mind. This phrase is actually one of Stephen Covey’s habits in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. There is a lot of wisdom for moms in this book that is usually read for succeeding in business. In it he has what he calls the ‘Maturity Continuum’, and he places all 7 of the habits on the continuum from dependence to independence to interdependence. You are a highly effective person and family if you are interdependent. (To read more about the habits, go here or better yet read the book.) But this habit helps me immensely, from disciplining, to shaping them as people, to talking about problems in the world and death and going to Heaven. And not sweating the small stuff along the way.

Help them to see who they really are. When Oprah interviewed Ralph Lauren’s family, his wife Rickie said this was her main goal as a mom, and it just stuck with me. Being a mirror for them, helping them to really know themselves, seemed like such a beautiful thing. To me, this involves a lot of pointing out moments they were at their best, qualities they have that are unique to them that are wonderful like their laugh or their sense of humor. It’s playing them videos of when they were little and talking about the memories I have of them. It’s saving all of their special artwork and awards through the years in their own special file box that they can look through whenever they want. It also involves talking about actions that don’t display their best self, like fighting or being selfish or gloating. ‘You’re better than that’ is a powerful statement that validates who they really are while pointing out bad behavior.

Trust your instincts. All the great artists do. Plus Dr. Sears or Ferber or the nurse who lives next door won’t ever parent your child. Only you will.

The dishes and laundry and housework will never be done, but their childhood will. Prioritize accordingly.

Fellow moms – what would you add to this list? Leave your thoughts in the comments as I am sure my friend will love to read them. Happy Mother’s Day!